it’s been a long time

my last entry here was like a year ago. it’s too hard really to keep a blog that’s always up-to-date, well at least in my case, i can only commit to yearly updates at any rate, i believe the only people who will read my blog would be those who are interested to know how i am, and i figure these must be friends/acquaintances who have not seen me for a long time now.

i guess some of the info they’d probably want to know are already given in my profile, it’s self-explanatory as one colleague put it! apart from these, i’ve been really busy at work, and in my spiritual journey.  I finished the retreat in daily life (18th annotation) last december and now im already taking the 19th annotation.  And it’s quite an experience.  God has revealed so much about Himself, about myself and about the people around me.  This week, I believe my experience has been more of “closing books” (sort of!) It was a week of recalling , remembering and from there, realizing that life goes on and there’s no other way but to move on.  I don’t mean that I’m stuck in the past but my experiences this week only goes to show that life goes on… whether if i decide to go with it or not, like a wheel, it will turn on and on and on and on. I’d like to believe that I have also moved on in my life, career-wise, emotion-wise, intellect-wise, relationship-wise. I somehow feel and think that I am not the same person as I was 14 years ago, or 10 years ago or 4 years ago or a year ago.  I’m different now because the experiences I had in the past were so rich that these added on to my character and personality today.  Thus, I agree, definitely experience is the best teacher.  I cannot stop myself then to feel a little victorious when I look back and realize that life was not really bad at all or that life was not unfair to me at all!  Now, I understand why certain thing can’t be! why certain relationships won’t just work, or why certain pains and hurts have to be experienced.

This morning, I realized an important insight (I’d like to believe that it was a revelation from God) — that one does not get stronger with every painful experience, or that one can claim being stronger and wiser after establishing a closer relationship with God or by going through a difficult experience, contrary to what I have believed so in the past.  I still notice that in the face of trial, I still fear I will lose something or someone.  My past painful experiences do not warrant that it will not hurt me as much as before if I go through a similar experience again…no, this isn’t just true!  But…what I realized is, as my experiences get richer and deeper and harder, the more I am convinced that God is faithful, that God is powerful and that God is always there for me, and have never left me.  It is not me who get stronger in the face of adversities but it is my faith in God.  Through these trials and experiences, I am more and more convinced that God is God! That nothing is impossible with God.  Therefore, I may be the weakest person in the world, I may fail, I may make mistakes BUT if I believe that God can help me, God can carry me, and God can lift me, then there’s nothing I should worry.

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