life begins at 30
Three days from now, I will be turning 30. Yaiks…it is only now that I am beginning to feel like I am really getting old. Trenta…grabe. I still feel I am young and naive (whatever this means!) at 29. Like I am still the carefree, cheerful girl from highschool/college. I didn’t really feel like I have changed a lot. I mean deep inside I still think I am still the same person. But careful reflection on the past 10 years of my life would reveal that there have been also some changes in me. I’d like to believe for the better though.
At turning 30, major things happened in my life. For one, I just recently resigned from my job as a Brand Manager for East Asia to pursue further studies… that is in Theology. Some people I know still could not believe why I made this decision. They said I had a lot of things going for me. I was handling a global brand, not only responsible for the local market but also had exposures in HK, China and Indonesia markets. I was working in one of the best employer companies (UNILAB, that is!) , which have all these nice benefits and perks! I was earning much and a lot that could give my family the best life. For the first time in so many years, I have not been rejected by credit card companies because of my financial standing, I got my BPI and Citibank credit cards (which rejected me countless of times before) and I was even approved of a car loan by BPI! I knew that I could have all the THINGS I want. I can buy all the nice, “expensive” things without feeling guilty of buying them. It was all good… And yet I knew I deserved better. Better not in the material sense but much deeper. Somehow, I felt like my life has no direction. No purpose.
I can vividly remember the occasion when I came to realize this…
It was last March when our annual incentive was announced to us. That month, we got the incentive with our paycheck. It was unexpected. I did not expect to get a large sum of money and yet somehow, it seemed like this was not enough. I remembered confiding with my spiritual director that I felt like I was ungrateful for this “blessing” because I didn’t feel any joy. I was still restless and anxious. The only thing he asked me was, “Did you ask God why you have to be grateful?” “Shouldn’t I be?” I told myself. We ended the session with this question bugging me. Then it just hit me — I wasn’t feeling “grateful/joyful” because this is not what’s going to make me happy. This is the truth, the reality that had dawned on me.
So, I’ve been in pursuit of happiness from then on. In one of the silent retreats I attended, I learned that God’s will for me is not exactly in opposition to my own will. Ultimately, his will is to make me happy. So, in pursuing my happiness, I know that I am also pursuing God’s will for me.
Little have I thought before that I could make this decision and act on it. I was toying on the idea then but I knew I would not have the courage to let go of all the nice things I was enjoying. It even came to a point when I asked for a little extension from God. If He could just give me a year to think about it. But by grace, wala pang isang taon, I was already bugging God to call me. So now I believe that God does not force a person out of his own will. My decision to leave my full-time job indefinitely was done out of love. I did this on my own will. And yet I know it was God’s grace which moved me to act on this will.
I just finished my 1st sem at Loyola School of Theology. Sembreak namin ngayon. I wouldn’t deny that there were nights still that I couldn’t help but worry about where I would get money to sustain me in my schooling, to help in the house. I got my last paycheck last month and with all the bills and expenses I have to pay, fearless forecast is that my money will last only until maybe end this year or earlier. I haven’t found a part-time job that will accept my schedule ( work only in my free time), I have been pondering on what business to go into if in case I can’t find a job. So far, no clear direction yet. HOWEVER, I know God is telling me to just trust in HIS PROVIDENCE. So far, there is no real problem yet. All I have are just useless anxieties. In fact, a good friend of mine, has already expressed her intention to help me in my school tuition fee (a clear assurance that GOD will take care of me).
So, as I turn a year older, I would just like to thank the GIVER of all my gifts. I’ve been looking for a long time on the gifts that were given to me that I almost forgot the ONE who gave me all these. The past 30 years had been truly a blessing… this I cannot deny; yet it is only now that it sunk in that with all the blessings I received, surely it has been God who personally wrapped these gifts for me. God has been with me eversince and even before I came into this world.
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