Nuggets

This week had been a good one.

Monday

I met up with friends after work.  I was touched because dinayo pa nila ako sa katipunan para dun kami magkita.  That night was a blessed night for all of us.  We learned from each other’s experiences.  It was a revealing night as well.  I realized how similar our experiences were.  I am especially honored when they bared their soul to me, when they were not afraid to show me who they are, what they’ve gone through, what their beliefs are, what their deepest desires, longings, and hopes are.  I also realized that night that God moves in each person’s experience differently and however different it might be, his promise still stands, he is faithful and will not abandon us.  That’s what he did for my friend.  My friend’s experience became a light for me at the end of the tunnel. She became my beacon of hope.  That night, our hope is that “everything will be all right.”

Tuesday

I really enjoy the company of my religious friends at school.  Having been with them for more than a year, I already learned to look beyond their habits.  Sometimes, I even forget that they are religious that I can really be so open to them about anything (not limited to spirituality or theology but even to confiding about my “crushes” :)) I will definitely miss them next year.

Wednesday

I went to Lipa with our distributor to promote our magazines to the major women religious superiors.  I am beginning to get excited about my work now.  Sometimes, I could not help but think of ways to promote our products, market them, make people know about them and benefit from them.  I was excited to network with the different organizations, congregations which can help us.  I haven’t been doing these things for a while now so I welcome the excitement.  Also, it was unexpected to find out that our distributor agent was a devout catholic, maybe because nowadays I seldom meet people who are “devout” outside of school, church, or community. Somehow, it kindle the fire in me.  I then found out from him that he has a community and that he was thinking of attending the Jesuit Vocation Seminar this July.  So, all the more that I got excited to the point that I think I have pushed him to say yes to attend.  I assured him that it will be great for him to attend the seminar.  I hope he attends

Thursday

I had a touching experience with my neice.  It all started with her having tantrums.  Later that night, she told her mom that I was ignoring her.  I sensed that she’s a bit “hurt” by it. I was guilty as well because I know I intentionally ignored her when she was crying so that she would stop with her tantrums.  So I explained to her that I did that because she was not listening to us.  I also reminded her that it was actually her who ignored me first.  I was happy that she, at 3 years old, somehow understood what I told her.  Then I realized that in a way, she was right to say that I don’t pay attention to her that much these past weeks.  I was so caught up in other things that I have forgotten to spend time with her.  It also dawned on me that I’ve been this way not just to her but to some people close to me.  I’ve  been trying to get other people’s attention but neglecting the very people who needed and valued my attention more.  That night, I promised I would pay attention to people I neglected the past weeks and sincerely reach out to them.

Friday

I got an invitation from CIS to accompany others through RDL in September.  This invitation means so much to me because it has affirmed me once again in this ministry of retreat/spiritual direction.  I really hope I can accompany others closer to God, and I look forward to encountering God as well in my retreatant’s experience.

Thank God for this week!

A tribute to Daddy

Today is Father’s Day.  A very emotional day for most to spend and celebrate with dad. Today, I remember my daddy too.  It has been three years since he passed away.  And until now, I still miss him.  I miss our conversations together.  I miss confiding to him about my dreams, my frustrations, my struggles, my achievements. I miss him bragging about me to his friends.  I miss him cooking for us. I miss him the most on my birthday, when he would prepare and cook so that I could bring something to the office. I miss having an ally, a confidante, a person who understands and accepts me for me, always eager and interested to listen to my stories, and even my whinings. I miss his encouragements, his gentle words of consolation, his concern, his thoughtfulness. I miss being daddy’s girl.

Sometimes, I think of what could have been if he were still around.  I know he would be so proud of me, we would talk about school, about religion, about spirituality, about life, about anything!  We shared common interests.  He had been the greatest influence in my life.  My fondness of the arts, music, mysticism were mainly because of him.  He taught me about humility and compassion.  He was truly a great man.  His greatness had been attested to by people he touched.  The number of people who came to his wake had been a proof of this.  They had nothing but good things to say about him.   He knew how to value and treat people, regardless of social status.   He knew how to give unconditionally, not counting the costs or waiting to be repaid. His kindness could not be matched.  He would even give the last of what he had in his pocket to someone who would have a need of it.

I appreciate the many sacrifices he had done for our family, for me.  How he was too involved in doing our thesis back in college, how he would accompany me and my thesis mates to go to one of his friends so we could use their editing facilities for free, how he would introduce us to people he knew to help us with the production and printing of our project.  Not even my thesis mates’ fathers were that involved in the completion of our project.  Only daddy.

Daddy was a very protective and sensitive father.  I remembered one birthday, when I turned 14, he cried when he sensed that I was sad (the cause of my sandness was too petty).  He told me that he had prepared everything for me to make me happy on that day and yet I was still sad.  There was this instance too when he said he threatened my suitor not to see me again and I was so embarassed because of that.  He would constantly remind me not to have a boyfriend yet, not until I am 30.  And then there was this one time when I just started working in Makati and asked his permission if I could live independently with some friends and I sensed how hurt he was when I told him that.  So from then on, I didn’t entertain that thought again in my mind.  When I recall the things he did to protect me, I am more convinced that I was truly a daddy’s girl.

I am truly thankful to God that even before that fateful day came when He would take him, we were given the chance to spend time together.  August 2005 had been a tumultuous month for our family.  I had an operation during the first week of August and so I had to rest for two weeks at home.  In those two weeks, my dad would assist me in everything I need.  In spite of his frail condition (because of his sickness), he never failed to make me feel special and loved.  That was why, it hurts so much to see him suffer.  Every night, I would bargain with God to please not take him away yet. I still would like him to bring me to the altar on my wedding day. I dreaded going to sleep because I did not know if he would last the night.  Every night seemed like it would be the last.  I felt like I would go crazy if he would be taken away.  I could not even bear the thought.

August 25. 6PM.  I felt restless in the office.  I dreaded going home again.  I didn’t know if I could appear strong when I see my daddy. His condition was worsening.  For the past two nights or so he had been coughing blood.   I remember I wrote on livejournal about my anxieties.  It was like my desperate appeal to God to intervene.  And so I went home.  My dad was complaining because there was only fried fish on the table.  He wanted something delicious that night. Or at least something more palatable than fried fish.  So I said I’d cook for him.  I asked if it was ok if I would just sautee the fish in onions and soy sauce.  He said it’s fine.  I remember I used kikkoman to make it taste more delicious. Then I set the table and then we ate together.  My dad has his way of affirming me in whatever I do.  That time, he said that my cooking was delicious; proudly, I said, “oo nga.” I never thought that would be our last meal together.  And yet I am glad that I cooked his last meal and he was pleased with my cooking.  Later that night, it was the first time in a long time that we were all complete as a family.  We huddled and excitingly talked about the future.  My sister Marizel had just gotten her offersheet and it entailed working in Japan for 2 years.  I know my dad would find it difficult to be apart from one of us, his children, but at that time, he did not show it.  He seemed excited for my sister as well.  Then he added, “next year na lang ako susunod dun sayo.”   Again, we didn’t realize that it would be our last huddle. Still, I thank God because we were given that chance, for the last time, to just spend time together as a family. That night, things seemed to be light, very much unlike the previous nights.  I thought, God might have heard my pleadings.

And then it happened.  In the wee hours of the morning of August 26, I just heard my mom called out my name.  It was 3:00 AM to be exact, the hour of great mercy.  I rushed down to where my mom and dad were sleeping and I saw my dad lying and shivering and with blood gushing out from his mouth.  Without thinking, I tried to resuscitate him in the way I know.  I pumped his chest and blew air in his mouth. I didn’t know if I was doing it right but I still did it.  Then my brother and sister came down after (my youngest brother had just gone to work when this thing happened).  My brother and sister brought my daddy to the hospital.  My mom and I stayed and prayed to the Divine Mercy.  My mom asked for a miracle. I remember I uttered a prayer of surrender.  Couple of minutes later, my brother called and said there’s nothing more they could do.

I could not describe how I felt after.  I could not yet cry.  The emotions were mixed. But later on, we just accepted that maybe this was better than see him suffer further.  At the wake, the atmosphere was light and unusual.  Everyone who came to the wake was surprised to see us all smiling and laughing.  Personally, I thought it was because we have accepted that my daddy is in a better place now, far from sickness, far from suffering.  This was how my parents raised us — to take life’s blows with a smile and trust in God.

I will not deny that several months later after his passing away, I went through depression to the point of it affecting my health.  I know that I haven’t grieved much.  There were still days that I miss him, and wish that he was still here. I find comfort in visiting his crypt whenever I feel sad and miss him.  I know that he is still looking after us, praying for us. I can feel his presence at times, still encouraging me to go on and continue what I am doing. And wherever he is, I know he knows that he is truly missed.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! I love you. I miss you.

The leader of the band is tired and his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy to the leader of the band.

twilight zone

The wonders of friendster! All you need is a name or an e-mail address and voila, you can search for people from your past whom you have not heard from for such a long time.  Lalu na sa mga taong walang masyadong magawa tulad ko, minsan favorite past time ko ang magsearch ng mga kaibigang matagal ko ng di nakikita or nakakausap.  Mga gradeschool classmates, old neighbors, old flings, mga crushes nung gradeschool, highschool and college (pati nung nagwowork na)! Minsan, mabibigla ka na lang kasi ay, ganito na ang hitsura nya!  It can mean positive or negative. Minsan naman parang, ay ganun pa rin sya! Sometimes, after you view their profile, you either add them as your friend and hope to establish connection again or wala lang, you just want to know how they are now, what they are now.

In one of these instances, I learned that an ex had gotten married. The first time I saw it I was really surprised! (Akala ko ba ayaw niya mag-asawa? At sino yung naging asawa niya?) I remembered calling my bestfriend and told her that X got married already! Ang tanong niya lang sa akin, anong nafeel mo? Hmm…I already forgot what my answer was.  But I won’t deny the fact that there was this feeling of being left behind.  (Hay, buti pa sya! And in fairness mukha syang masaya.)  The thing there was, even after I closed the profile and logged out from the web, I was still left surprised and wondering.  “We were really not meant to be”, that’s all I could say to myself.  Later on, I would learn that the woman he married was the one he was madly in love with.  (I can say this because even when we were together, he could not help but bring up the girl).  I know she was the one. I was not. And time had just proven that I was right all along.  And it was consoling to know that. I chose the right thing, when I chose to let go.  What’s just weird was the day they got married was the same day my parents got married (call it memorable!).

Unti-unti I know that God is healing me from past hurts.  To learn that he indeed ends up with the one he truly loves is not painful now.  Things happened because we were bound to be where we would be truly happy.  I could not anymore think of what could’ve been between us because I know that we are both happy where we are now.  I can genuinely say that I am happy for him.  This is the time when God allowed me to understand his wisdom for the separation.  Why things did not work out before.  Hurt was inevitable that time, but it was only natural because you loved.  Masaya na rin ako kasi when I think of him now, I could not recall the pain anymore that used to be there when I think of him.  Healing is truly a slow process.  And it comes when you least expect it. You just wake up and feel that you are healed.  Yes, the memories are still there, never forgotten, but the pain…what pain???

wounded healer

It is six in the morning, Saturday, the 14th of June.  This marks a memorable date for me because today is the start of our apostolate as directors-in-training.  I have been looking forward to this day because I know that surprises await me every time I meet with my retreatant/s.  I know I will always have an encounter with God through my retreatant’s experience.  Last time I accompanied, I asked God for two graces: to be grasped by his unconditional love and by his presence.  These two graces were the same graces that my retreatants also sought.  The graces that we all received after the retreat.

Last night, I prayed like I never prayed in a long time.  I approached God with all vulnerability.  I recognized that unlike my last experience of retreat directing, this time I know that I am personally struggling with my own issues.  Old issues that are surfacing as though I have to urgently face them and deal with them.  Issues on my self-image: the feeling of unworthiness, the need to feel wanted, needed, and accepted, the need to please everybody.  It is like being haunted by your own ghosts.  Ghosts of the past which I thought I already have left behind.   I asked God for healing.  I thought forgetting is the way to get healed. But I don’t want to forget.  It hurts so bad because I know I am bad at forgetting.  I remember well…the good and the bad.  And yet, I know this is grace.  I just have to accept that this is me.  I just could NOT not care.  I just could not forget.

I believe in second chances, in third chances, in 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th chances.  Didn’t Jesus say, forgive seventy times seven? I want to give people who have hurt me in the past, intentionally or unintentionally, a second chance, a third chance…as much  chance as they need.  I believe in giving someone the clean slate.  And similarly, I am hoping, people whom I have hurt in the past could also give me that chance.  Chance to  reach out to them, be a friend, be accepted.  I know I cannot please everybody, that’s a cliche yes, but in my case, I just want to be accepted as who I am by the very people who I felt have “rejected” me.  I just want to settle the score with them, so to speak.  Let bygones be bygones. I just want that chance to be a friend. I always have that choice to just let go, just accept that they cannot accept me, and move on with my life. But I choose not to.  For me, the only way to heal my own feeling of unworthiness is to regain my worth from the people who made me feel this way.   It is tough I know.  But this is the road less-travelled, the road I have to tread.

So as I accompany wounded men and women, I, myself is wounded, broken and unworthy.  But in my woundedness, my brokenness, my unworthiness, I asked then for the grace of healing and acceptance.  Only God can make me whole.

You alone, O Lord, can make me whole.
You alone, O Lord, can be my strength.
You alone, O Lord, can make me whole.
You alone can make me whole, my Lord.

A summer to remember

Recently, I just posted a blog about my experience of this year’s summer vacation. It has been a while since I had this long break.  Now that I am about to start a very busy and hectic schedule of work-school on weekdays and spiritual direction session on weekends, I am beginning to become sentimental about how I spent the summer.  With Linkin Park’s “Minute to Midnight” album playing as background, I recall how ” meaningful this summer was.

On top of the wonderful places I visited, the many times and occasions I spent with my family, relatives, and friends, I was also able to just do what I want.  Come to think of it, I really did just do what I want, without pressure, I was able to relax and just chill. Think of the series I was hooked on and watched on DVD — Psych, Burn Notice, CSI, and Lost!  I also “deepened” my experience as a fan of LP.  I remembered how for a week I did nothing but to patiently stream from Youtube all their LPTV episodes plus 10 more videos uploaded by fellow fans. How engrossed and involved I was with them, especially with Chester (I just know now that he is a very funny and hilarious guy!) and Mike (a true leader with a very brilliant mind), and of course, my original favorite, Mr. Hahn.  I enjoyed every video, and I wish there were more.  Having realized all these,I was thrilled to listen AGAIN to their CD and appreciated more than ever the hardwork they put through in making it.

And there was Lost…it was my first time to watch one episode (episode 1, season 1), then I was hooked on it that I could not wait anymore to watch all four seasons to know and follow the story.  A true spoiler, I looked at the episode guides and read the summary of each episode from episode 10 season 2 to episode 12 season 4!

And to end summer meaningfully, there was the culmination of our give-a-gift project.  This project was an afterthought. Originally, my mom just planned to do a week-long “celebration” of her birthday at the Shrine by sponsoring for a week the Shrine’s feeding program for less-fortunate children every afternoon.  But  at  the end of that week, my mom asked the children  to prepare  a short  letter to Jesus which should contain their mini-wishes (e.g., school supplies).  At first, about 30 kids had given their letters, then as weeks passed by, the letters kept on coming — 40, 60, 80, and almost a week before our May 30 distribution, we gathered a total of 107 letters.  Correspondingly, we sought good-hearted people to sponsor the wishes of the kids.  I approached friends, previous bosses, ex-officemates, relatives to help us make this project possible.  Many also expressed their support. The last week of May had been a busy week for me and my mom, gathering all the wishes together, checking the list, making sure that EVERYBODY gets something, that no one leaves with nothing.  True enough, May 30 marked a very special day for me and specially for my mom, and I’m sure for the other sponsors as well.  I was touched with the turn-out of kids at the Shrine.  My estimate was the attendees figure in more than 200.  Almost all received their wishes.  I was particularly moved by the gesture of one of the kids, when she approached me and thanked me with tears in her eyes.  I told her that she should thank her sponsor (my friend Christina) for what she received.   I am still  arranging the photos  of the kids, but as soon as  I  modify them I plan to  upload them just to show that  these kids  are not just names and statistics, they have faces, they have needs, and they are loved by God.

And as if these experiences were not enough, I was privileged to attend a profession of vows by my novice friends.  It was an overwhelming experience.  It struck me while they were taking their vows before the Eucharist that it is truly a beautiful experience to vow before the Lord.  I felt like I wanted to vow as well.   But this, I know, has a proper place and time

Once again, I could not help but re-enforce that my summer had been one unforgettable experience.  Cliche as it may sound but this is one summer I will always remember, the summer that shone the brightest!

Tapat ang Diyos sa Kanyang Pangako

Still fresh from my God-experience yesterday, I tried to look back again at my life during the past 12 months.  I remembered that I also made an entry in my livejournal account.  I found one entry each in October and in December which will further establish my conviction that truly God is faithful to His promise.  From dryness in my spirituality coupled with doubts and anxieties to being totally immersed in His spoiling love.  I prayed to be grasped by his unconditional love and presence, God knew better — He consumed me with His undying love for me.  This is why, I’d like to post these two entries which I hope will inspire others to continue to trust God and trust in GOD’s wisdom.

Oct. 1st, 2007

Dryness

Dec. 15th, 2007

“My grace will sustain you”

mood:  ecstatic

“My grace will sustain you” that is the commitment God has for me when
I pursued my calling to follow him.  In October, I had an entry about
being restless and anxious about my future.  Thinking and worrying that
my money will just last me until the end of this year or worse even
before the year ends.  Guess what, up until yesterday, my ATM only has
700 balance.  I was even weighing whether to withdraw it or not.
Slowly but not excruciatingly, I was beginning to feel anxious and
restless again, let’s say, the turmoil inside me is starting to build
up though has not yet really built up.  But even before I came to this
point, I decided not worry so much as there is hope in me for a better and
promising future.  So even if I only have less than a thousand in my wallet,
I know next year, God will continue to pour out his graces for me.

I
guess the restlessness in me was becoming apparent when I realized that
I may not anymore be able to get the P2,500 I loaned to my cousin.  I
was really torn between asking her to pay me even in installment and
just letting go of it knowing for a fact they are really having a hard
time in terms of cash flow.  My mom’s reassurance that God will return
to me a hundredfold what I loaned became my only consolation.  I had
mixed emotion about this, I was hopeful and yet doubtful how this could be.
And so the unexpected happen… Yesterday, Jannet called me up to tell
me that I have a tax refund to the tune of P12,000! Call it 5x more
than what I have loaned to.  Truly unexpected! He was really a very
amazing God.  Only He can do this kind of surprises.  I was taken
aback, caught unawares, flabbergasted and simply overjoyed with this
news.  Then it all became so clear to me, his soothing and consoling
words…”my grace will sustain you.”  God is truly is with me, that He is sustaining me…He now had done his part!

God of the Day!

In the past months, I learned to appreciate a provident God.  Provident not in the sense of overflowing blessings and graces but a God of exact measure.  He surely knows what is enough at any given time.  Ever since I left my job, I admit, I have been dependent  primarily on God’s providence through other people’s generosity.   Somehow,  money would come on the exact day that I’d need it.  And whenever He gives me something, it is just enough to sustain me for the next couple of months (2 months at most!) And yet i could not say that I was left with none.  It just amazes me how God sustains me all this time.  He truly knows what I need.  And I just have to trust Him. He’s got my back, and there’s nothing to worry.

Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako ngayon sa Kanya sapagkat alam ko He’s really up to spoil me.  Just this morning, I woke up a little anxious because I have to pay my dues.  I realized that after I pay the house, ubos na ulit ang laman ng ATM ko.  I was really worried how to make ends meet.  I have to raise a certain amount every month and the salary I would get from my job would not be enough.  It will be a big help, that is undeniable but still not enough. :(  I was thinking how else can I raise funds? Borrowing money is not an option, if my income is not enough to pay for it, why bother?  The only way is to find additional job.  But where to find? and how do I squeeze it in my current work-school schedule?  Yet, somehow, I find consolation in God’s reminder to worry-not of tomorrow but ask only what I need NOW, right at this moment.  And at this moment, honestly, I don’t need anything.  But of course, tao lang, di ko pa rin maalis na pagmunimunihan ano pa ang pwede kong gawin para kumita. Then bang! It hit me as though God allowed me to see a very simple solution.  Why look for additional job when instead of working for 3 days a week, I could request for a 4 days a week schedule?  In the first place, I was the one who asked for a 3 days a week schedule.  Adjusting it to 4 days will mean an adjustment in my compensation as well.  And the additional pay I will get from that additional day a week will truly be a BIG HELP.  And thank God, when I wrote my employer today, they approved my request and consequently adjusted my salary.  And guess what, the money I need to raise every month based on my computation, is exactly the incremental income from that additional work-day. SAKTO! God is not just the God of right timing but of right measure as well.  I then appreciate more and more the value of praying only for what we need for the day, just like the petition in The Lord’s Prayer:”Give us THIS DAY our daily bread.”   For God wanted us to see Him as a God of the DAY.  Somebody whom we need to approach to EVERYDAY to ask for our needs for that DAY.  Now, I am beginning to rid myself off of useless anxieties.  Instead, just focusing on the grace that I want to ask God for today. And so, as I end this day, God has once again manifested why he is my God of the Day!  Thank you, Lord!