Reflections from a silent retreat

It’s been sometime that I have planned to transcribe my reflections/conversations with God during one of my silent retreats.  But due to pure laziness, I just could not transcribe it down.  But now that I am on sembreak, I think now is the time to finally share it with others.

The conversation below is a transcription of my conversation with God in one of my prayer time during the lenten silent retreat in 2006 (way before my retreat in daily life, resignation, and studies). I wish to share this because this has something to do with my struggle to discern my state of life.  I mean I want to serve God but I was hoping he would not call me to religious life as I would definitely turn it down.  There were also some revelations about hell, purgatory and heaven (as revealed to me but may not reflect the church’s teachings or tradition)

April 15, 2006 Black Saturday

I dread the implication of my perception on “calling”; again the significant feelings I had was one of restlessness and disturbing and “forced.”

I always assume that God is calling me to single blessedess or religious life and that’s how I relate “calling” with.

I have mixed reactions - one that is wanting to give God all and one with reservations.  I just know deep inside me that it will be against my will; although I also think about God’s will for me. How will I ever come to terms with it? I struggled and even gone to a point of compromising with God.

Then, in that sanctuary, in all His glory and power, God talked to me, in a white robe [as against a previous image of him in plaid shirt].  I asked why he dressed like that, he replied, “I feel you need a God right now.”

I can’t hide my feelings from God.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying no should he ask me to religious life.  I just don’t want to.  I have no valid reason to support it.  Then God said,

“My will for you is to be happy.  You know that I won’t force you into something you don’t want.  When did I ever force you to do something? I just want you to be a happy person.  I like talking with you because you are cheerful, you make me laugh, your happiness is infectious and I want you to spread this happiness to others.

I asked you before why don’t you want to be a butterfly. Why do you like to be a bird? Both are free, both can fly.  You thought about it and similarly, you have no other reason, you just want to be a bird, period.  You know why? Because I intended you to be a bird - free, no worries, can fly.  Compared to the butterfly, birds are loud creatures. You’re never intended to be quiet. You are created to be loud, free, spreading and witnessing to my goodness and love.

It is not who you are or what you are that is important, it is what you do, what you give.

I do not mind if you are single, married, a religious, I do mind thought that you do what I told you to do - be happy! Be a happy person.  Those religious chose to be religious because they desired it.  I put the desire in your heart. The desire I put in your heart is to serve me, to love me.

How? you already know way before.  I already confirmed it with you - teach, witness, speak, sing.

Do what you do best - encourage, inspire people.  The only way you can spread what I told you and shared with you and what you know about me is by teaching people, speaking to them, witnessing.  This is what I have intended you to be.

If you have only seen yourself, the look on your face, when “calling” was mentioned to you and how you dread to see yourself in a habit! I laughed. I also said, ‘here we go again.’

Pray for all the souls in purgatory. The prayer you offer for them is a relief to their restlessness. Pray for unrepented souls. Souls of your loved ones, pray for those who have no one to pray for them.

Hell is for those who rejected my love.  Everyone is given the chance to encounter me.  Even those in the mountains, or no one to evangelize them, I reach for them, I talk to them, I show them that I am here, that there is a God. If they have no God, do not believe in me, it is already a choice they took.

No one can say, ‘I didn’t know God’ because I make a way for them to know me in their lifetime.  I try to reach out to them.

Purgatory is like the deep blue sea. All souls are deep into the sea. Your prayer is like a ray of light that gives them hope and have a glimpse of what’s above — paradise and me.  It is in the desire of the souls to reach to the top first and breathe fresh air that will merit them paradise.

Do things out of love.”

As if these were not enough, I approached God again in the blessed sacrament after. I felt guilty that I may not be doing his will for me. God’s assurance:

“Follow you heart, do it out of love for me.:”

“I need your love freely given to me.”

“Do not please me because I say so but LOVE me because you love so. Do it because you love me.”

“Do it out of love for me. Do things out of love — not because you are forced, obliged to. Do it our of love”

“I sacrifice because I love. Make sacrifice out of love, not to please someone or me.”

God |