Regrets
It’s been going on for so many months now, that feeling of regretting something, of having done something and later on finding out that you might have some regrets about that decision. But then again I would remind myself that I decided not out of whim but out of free will. So I would just set that feeling aside hoping that it would go away. But it keeps on haunting me.
This morning, I woke up feeling like I am slipping away. I see myself like a fire about to extinguish. Like a camp fire after every one has gone asleep. The coldness is more overwhelming than the heat produced by the fire. That’s how I feel now.
The reasons for my regrets are shallow but still they are constantly making me uneasy every time I think about them — the things I have longed for so long but still proved to be unattainable, the things I have been hoping for so long but have not come true for me but for another, the things I have for quite sometime but are no longer mine. Things that are hurting my pride so much.Things that make me envious. Things that make me miserable.In the past months, I just could not help but look back at what I had, what I could have been now if I did not decide the way I decided — maybe I might already have that car, maybe I might have been promoted and given a much higher pay, maybe I might not be worrying on how to pay my bills or how to finance my trip abroad, maybe I might not be worrying about money, maybe I might not feel vulnerable and helpless.Yet, every time I feel this way, I just remind myself that I willed this.Didn’t I ask God before I made the decision that he calls me?I waited and demanded for his blessing on my decision.That time, I was sure that it was what I wanted to do. Am I regretting that decision now???
Again, regrets are for those things that I have not been able to accomplish or have. How about those things that I did not have before but now have? And so I count my blessings. If I have not done what I did, would I meet all my friends from LST now?Would I meet the friends from the CIS’s module 2 and 3 if I have not attended these seminars? Would I be able to volunteer and accompany others in their own spiritual journey if I don’t have the time to make myself available for this ministry? Would I appreciate my faith better if I have not studied theology? Would I feel more free if I did not discover how God loves me unconditionally? Maybe. Or maybe not.But these things or rather these people and experiences are tangible reasons to be grateful. That in spite of what I could have or could have been, there are still good enough reasons to be thankful for.It is just up to me whether to focus on the reasons for my regrets or the reasons for my gratefulness.
This morning, the message I got after telling God my concerns was “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and everything will be given unto you.” I do not know if this has given me consolation or desolation.I just pray for the grace of holy indifference —to be free to pursue God’s will for me knowing that he is in control.
I hope that the fire in me does not extinguish. I hope instead, that by God’s grace it begins to burn bright for others again.
life |3 Responses to “Regrets”
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I think you’re hoping right: a brighter continuously burning fire and trusting all his promises.
Still, I understand the agony. Ahhh!
hehehe, I know you can relate — those of us who chose to walk the road-less-travelled but then new-found friends like you are the reason I am still grateful. Just need to persevere more!
My friend Tarcs’ blog almost answered all my concerns above. I definitely agree that no regrets. only hope. For more wisdom-filled blog you can visit his site: http://mid-life-angst.blogspot.com/
“Getting Here”
I am sure it is not obvious but I am given to some amount of introspection.
If you don’t see the humor in the preceding statement, you must be a first time visitor to this blog.
Or you have no appreciation for irony – in which case, you may want to be my friend but never will be (sorry) :-).
From time to time,, I indulge myself and I look back at my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I can pinpoint the areas where I could have done differently – chosen another path, taken another approach, made other choices.
But I look back as one might review earlier pages of a book being read. You do so knowing the story can’t be changed but just want to be reminded of how its twists and turns have taken you to the current page. Or sometimes, you just feel the need to revisit insights or lessons that could be applied now or at anytime in the future.
I try not to look back with regret. What is done is done. And I know that – however a life choice has turned out – it was always the best I could have made under the circumstances present then.
I no longer have any grand plans or ambitions. Whatever my aspirations were in my younger years, I’ve accepted that in my lifetime I will not be able to end poverty or find a cure for cancer.
I take each day as it comes. On a daily basis, I try to make the best decision I could make, no matter how seemingly inconsequential.
I lead a very ordinary life. My daily decisions will hardly determine how the world at large will fare – but many are big enough not only to affect other people and their well-being but also potentially alter my perception of the kind of person I want to be.
The choices are not always clear-cut but I try to keep my criteria consistent.
Have I considered all sides? Am I being truthful? Am I being fair? Can I live with my choices? Will the right people benefit from this decision? If this decision will cause initial harm, will it be eventually for the greater good?
And why do my questions sound like the Rotary Club’s Four Way Test?
Sometimes, the answers are not needed immediately and I can enjoy the luxury of pondering But, more often, the answers are required in a split second. So, I say a short prayer, go with what my gut tells me and psych myself up to own up to my choices.
Calibrating and following my life compass in this way, one decision eventually leads to another and I sometimes find myself where I am without necessarily meaning to be there.
I do have my “Huh, how did I get here?” moments. But then again – given how the decisions that were made got me to wherever – I know that I am where I am supposed to be for the moment and I am there for the right reasons.
And, no matter what the present is, I know that the future brings with it countless opportunities for second chances and fresh starts.
No regrets. Only hope.
And this prayer.
at 1:57 AM on Nov 16, 2008
posted by Bruno