For the Greatest Woman
Today, April 28, is my mom’s birthday. Actually, it is one of two parts. For almost 50 years she had been celebrating her birthday on this date but it was when she had to secure a new copy of her birth certificate that she saw her birthdate as May 2. Now, she has no way of confirming which is the correct one as my grand mother has already passed away. Oh well, happy mistake, now she celebrates it a week long.
Since last night, I’ve been thinking what gift to give her. Ang hirap niya kasi regaluhan. Wala kasi siya talagang gusto na bagay. My mom is not materialistic, that’s for sure. Hindi yan mahilig sa bag, sa sapatos, sa alahas, damit man o make-up. Kaya pag birthday niya o pasko man, hirap na hirap kami magregalo sa kanya ng mga kapatid ko. Sometimes, I think the best gift for her, something that she would really appreciate is cash. Kidding aside, ang dami niya kasing tinutulungan. Ang dami niyang gustong tulungan. For her mas masaya siya pag nakakatulong siya sa iba kesa makatanggap siya ng regalo for her. Kaya this morning I thought, why not blog about her. I’ve been paying tribute to my dad for the longest time. But I have not really said good things about my mom. Siguro dahil hindi namin nakasanayan sa family namin etong ganitong expressions of love (my siblings will agree). Pero, I realized at this age, at my age, and her age, would I let “embarassment” get in the way of paying tribute to the greatest mother? (naks!)
My sister and brothers and even sisters-in-law (and include too my dad) will agree that my mom is a one-of-a-kind mother. Para siyang inang ibon na hinahayaan ang mga anak niyang matutong lumipad on their own. If my dad spoiled me, sheltered us when he was still alive, it was our mom who gave us our “freedom.” Siya ang taga-lobby sa daddy ko na hayaan kaming gawin ang gusto namin. She taught us at an early age to be responsible, to work for what we want. When we were growing up, especially during our hard-up times, nasa college na ako noon sa La Salle, the single most important lesson she kept reminding us was “Huwag kang makipagsabayan sa mga kasama mo.” At that age, that sense of belongingness was very crucial. I didn’t realize the wisdom in that reminder. In my desire to “fit” it, to “belong” sometimes, I have to earn, save for something I like kasi hindi ako bibigyan ng mommy ko ng pera para sa luho ko. I remember I tried to convince her to get myself a yearbook. Sabi niya, hindi ko iyon kailangan. But for me, it would contain my college “memories.” My favorite aunt in the long run helped me with paying the fees for the yearbook, but now sa totoo lang iyong yearbook na iyon, nakatiwangwang na lang. Tama nga si mommy.
Our family had been through a lot. My worst fear when we were growing up was money. Fear in not having. There were times in the past that our electricity had to be cut because we cannot pay the bills. We moved several houses here in Manila after living in Pacita for almost 5 years because we cannot pay the rent anymore. Minsan naranasan din namin na wala na kaming makain talaga. Isang classic example na until now naaalala ko and I still couldn’t help but be amazed was a time when we want to buy some chichiria sa tindahan. Ni coins wala talaga kami. Ang naisip naming magkakapatid, maghanap ng barya sa mga singit singit ng upuan, tawa kami ng tawa pagkatapos kasi nakalimang piso din ata kami at nakabili kami ng chichirya. That time, the only thing we know to survive was to loan from relatives. At ang mommy ko kilala diyan. She would loan money to the point of “humiliation” minsan. Sometimes, I would hear people tell her why she kept on loaning without paying. Pero hindi rin naman siya matiis ng mga kapatid niya. But that left a stigma in her. It was hard to listen to people saying these things to her. Vicious cycle na ang pangungutang and all the more that I hated money! And yet, did she ever get affected by it? I don’t know. I didn’t see that she was. Siguro dahil for her mas importante kami sa sasabihin ng tao. Pride is not in my mom’s vocabulary. She would do all sort of odd jobs, like sell insurance, sell “pasalubong” in the office just to earn and have money to pay the bills and buy food. Maabilidad siya talaga. And I appreciate it very much. Most of the times, I would pray hard to God na sana magkapera na kami para hindi na namin kailangan mangutang. Ayoko na kasing nahihirapan ang mommy at daddy ko. But those times, I felt like God was sooooo silent. To the point that I even wrote a hate letter to God sa inis ko dahil parang hinahayaan lang niya kaming maghirap. I could not see the grace in our situation. Madalas kong itanong kailan ba eto matatapos. But all throughout, my mom has been our source of strength. Panghinaan man ng loob na ang daddy ko, she would keep her ground. I never heard her complain. Kahit na may masakit sa kanya, we would never know about it. Her strength all this time has been God. Iyon siguro ang pinakaimportanteng kayamanan na nakuha namin sa kanya. Her life’s witness to God. Simula ng makilala niya ang Divine Mercy, sobrang grasya ang natanggap naming pamilya. She was the one who introduced to us the devotion to the Divine Mercy. Hindi malayong mangyari na ang Divine Mercy ang patron ng aming family. My dad even passed away at the hour of great mercy (3AM), while tuned in on the Divine Mercy channel. This devotion would be my mom’s greatest gift to us.
As I mature in age, I begin to appreciate the wisdom of my mom. Siya ang nagsabi sa amin na hindi mahalaga ang kayamanan, ang mag-ipon ng kayamanan dito sa mundo. Sabi niya mas magandang mag-invest sa kayamanang madadala sa kabilang buhay. For her, hindi mahalaga ang magkaroon ng sariling bahay kasi daw iiwanan mo din eto pag namatay ka. I could not make sense of that before pero now that I am following a vocation of simple life or poverty, now it makes sense. Slowly, na-appreciate ko lahat ng itinuro niya sa amin. Siguro kaya hindi mahirap mag let go ng mga material desires kasi nga at an early age, natutunan ko na hindi iyon mahalaga. There is much more important and valuable thing than fame, power and fortune, and that would be our relationship with God and our relationship with each other. Siguro eto rin ang dahilan kaya kaming magkakapatid, though we’re not expressive with our loving, are bonded tightly and rooted deeply. I am also proud of the kind of relationship we have with each other. We know that we can depend on each other. We love each other without cost. We don’t measure the kindness we extend to each other. We’ve all gone through the tough times in our family life together that is why we know how it was to be in need. Kaya ngayon, pag isa sa amin may kailangan, hindi mahihiyang humingi ng tulong or hindi din naman magaatubiling magbigay ng tulong. It is not out of guilt or obligation but out of genuine love and care. My mom and my dad’s guidance was instrumental in this. Ngayon naiintindihan ko na why before walang pakialam ang mommy ko kahit na pagsabihan siya ng mga ate niya pag utang siya ng utang. Wala siyang pakialam not because she really didn’t care but because she knew they’re her family, she knew they will continue to love her. Sabi niya nga, “ganun lang naman daw sila pero alam niya mahal siya ng mga kapatid niya at hindi siya matitiis ng mga eto.” And so she will tell us na dapat ganun din kami. We should help each other, meaning kaming magkakapatid. Kung sino ang meron magbigay. Kung sino ang wala, humingi ng tulong. Siguro iyon din ang dahilan why in the past 10 years that I’ve been earning, transparent ako sa family ko kung magkano ang sweldo ko. It was also the reason why I was not able to save. Kasi mas gusto kong magbigay sa kanila. I like to provide them a good life. I like to see them happy. Did I regret not having saved now that I am not earning much? No. Because I invested in memories, in relationships. All thanks to my mom’s wisdom, values.
There was this one time, some of my officemates commended me for my attitude at work. Hindi daw ako macomplain. Then two of them said, “maganda siguro pagpapalaki sa iyo ng magulang mo.” And they were right. I might not be perfect but whoever I am now has been because of how I was brought up by my parents, because of their life’s examples, because of their values and wisdom imparted to us.
In this note, wala akong maibibigay sa mommy ko ngayon kundi ang taos pusong pasasalamat sa buhay na handog niya sa aming magkakapatid at sa aming pamilya. Happy birthday, mother! 
“Great Things Are Coming My Way”
In my lowest point in life, I remember, the words I was able to utter were: “Great things are coming my way.” Somehow, I have a feeling that whatever I was going through at that time, however hard it was to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, I was still very much hopeful that “something great is coming my way.” I just have to trust.
Last holy week up until my training for CIS’ module 4, the predominant theme of my prayer was vocation. Vocation not so much of state of life but vocation as finding God’s will for me. Accepting God’s will for me to be happy. I also remember, even prior to attending the retreat that I can already sense that the invitation for me really is to minister to the laity. To promote vocation, to make people want and desire to seek, find, feel and do God’s will in their lives. I know that one way to accomplish this is through retreat direction. But another way can be through teaching.
I really really wanted to teach eversince I was young. But somehow, I set aside this desire because I wanted to earn more first. I was aware that teaching will not make me rich (although, pursuing another career path didn’t make me either It was only in 2007, after I finished a retreat that I reconsidered pursuing this desire again. But I didn’t immediately jump into teaching. My director asked me if I would like to try studying theology first. And so I did. I enjoyed my classes at LST to the point that I told myself that even if I don’t pursue teaching I would still be okay as I was already enriched by my experience from studying here. And thus, this semester, before it ended, I had the urge to consider going back again to corporate world. I started applying again for a brand management position. I was excited to go back. I told myself, I will just finish my thesis later on and pursue teaching thereafter. But I believe, God is faithful to his promise. He would like to keep his promise to fulfill my desire. He knows where I would be truly truly happy. It was after my 5th job rejection that I finally surrendered my “fate”, my “future”, and my “plans” to God. Sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, “siguro gusto pa rin ng Diyos ituloy ang layunin nya sa akin.” Thus, all the more that I affirmed myself, “something great is surely coming my way.” As to the time and the ways, I have to surrender these to God.
Then came this day, today. I e-mailed Lasalle this morning to express to them that I would like to activate my pending application with them which I deferred last time. At noon, they called me and asked if I can come at 4pm to do demo teaching. Even if I had no idea what to teach for demo, I went off. My friend Jericho was with me to support me :) There were three members in the panel, including the department chair. I had only 15 minutes to present. I chose to present Ecclesiology. After that, there was a brief interview, I really didn’t know that time if I got the job or not. But I expressed to them that I really really wanted to teach and in order for me to realize this goal, I have to start somewhere, someone has to risk on getting me. Then, after some preliminary remarks from the chair, he finally welcomed me to their team. It felt so good. I thought that was it. Then I became even more excited when they told me that I would be teaching a course on vocation (Call to Holiness: Married life and Vocation). This subject is really close to my heart. I was excited because I know that aside from what I have learned from LST, I can definitely bring to them and share with the students my Ignatian spirituality. hehehehe. Things went so fast and before I knew it, they were dictating to me already my schedule, my room assignment, etc. I was glad too that the schedule given to me are the free days I have arranged with my present employer. So really, there is no need for me to change my schedule. I can still work with the AA’s and teach.
God is truly wonderful and great! I am so overwhelmed with joy.
life | Comment (0)Pangako
Naaalala ko ang umagang iyon
Gumising ng maaga upang makipagulayaw sa’yo
Bitbit sa aking damdamin lahat ng hinanakit
Ang tangi lamang nais ay maintindihan mo
Kung bakit hanggang sa ngayon,
Kay hirap kong magtiwala sa’yo.
Tinanong mo ako, “Hindi pa ba sapat ang pag-ibig ko?”
Ang sabi ko lamang, “Oo lubos ko etong nararamdaman
Pero iba pa rin kung meron akong katuwang.”
Nang gabing iyon ako’y tinawag mo,
Niyaya mo akong makipag-usap sayo.
Iyong pinaalala ang mga nagdaang taon
Mga alaalang naipon at umusbong
Dito sa ating tagpuan ngayon.
Oo nga no, madami na tayong pinagsamahan.
Matagal na pala tayong magkakilala.
Kilala na kita at alam mo din marahil
Kung sino ako talaga.
Kaya nga nang ako’y tanungin, “Gusto mo ba siya talaga?”
Di ko maikaila sa’yo ang aking nadarama.
Magkahalong tuwa at takot na aking sinagot,
“Oo, masaya ako kapag kasama ko siya.”
Ramdam ko ang iyong kasiyahan nang ito’y aking aminin,
At di mo napigilang ako’y tanungin, “Bakit hindi mo siya hingin sa akin?”
Batid ko ang iyong pananabik na ako’y pagbigyan.
Subali’t ang nais mo’y, ito’y manggaling sa akin.
“Gusto mo ba siya ?” tanong mo ulit.
“Masaya ka ba sa kanya?”
“Kung ganun, ano pang hinihintay mo?
Bakit ayaw mo pa siyang hingin sa akin?”
“Hindi ba’t ang pangako ko sayo’y, ibibigay ko ang anuman ang naisin mo
Hanggat ang hiling mo ay siyang tunay na gusto mo.
Kung gusto mo siya talaga, bakit hindi mo siya hingin sa akin?”
Ano pa nga ba ang pwedeng gawin sa ganitong imbitasyon?
Kundi ang sumang-ayon at hingin ito sa kanya.
“Sige Panginoon, hihingin ko na —
Ang nais ko’y magsilbi sa iyo na kasama siya.”
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Joyful. Grateful. Beholden
Three words that will describe my lenten experience are: Joyful. Grateful. Beholden.
Joyful. I entered the silent retreat as a spiritual companion asking for the grace to be able to experience the joy of resurrection. It may sound so contradictory to dispose oneself to the grace of resurrection knowing that from Holy Thursday to Black Saturday, we would all be remembering the passion and death of Jesus Christ. I also thought hard on asking this grace but I felt like I have already genuinely entered the experience of the passion and death of Jesus Christ and it is time to take the opportunity of being in silence to be able to enter the experience of resurrection. I also knew that this was what I was being invited to.
I know where there is joy, there is God. Thus, the moment I felt joy in my heart, I knew right there and then that God is there. There is joy in being able to cry your heart out, to pour out everything to God. I’ve been waiting for this retreat for a year because I’ve been keeping all my grief, my sentiments inside and I know that it is only in this sacred space, in my sacred space that I would be able to let everything out. There is joy in being able to release everything inside. To empty myself of all griefs, sadness, loneliness, anxieties, fears I am feeling before my God. There is joy in being reassured by God that I am important to him and that he loves me very much. There is joy in remembering the previous years I was there in that sacred place. To remember what God and I have been talking about all these years. To recall the promises, the encounters, the memories of time spent together.
That Thursday night, before the blessed sacrament, God made a promise to me. A promise that he wants to see me happy, at all cost! I never experienced a very persistent, enforcing (in a good way) God until that night. He challenged me to see myself as he sees me. To be not afraid to ask for the deepest desires of my heart. To not settle. To just ask, beg even for it. To keep that desire and nurture that desire in my heart. And never give up. The homily that night became so real for me — “love does not give up”, “love will find a way to hope, to trust, to give…” Yes, love will find a way for me. God has plans for me. God has planned everything out for me. And he only has the best in mind for me.
The best! I could not grasp before what this word meant until I came face to face with it. God presented a promise so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazing, so irresistible. I know in my heart that it (or he) is something (or someone) who would really make me so happy. I also know that I am someone who can make him happy as well. And yet, I found myself not being able to ask for it. I could not ask for it even if I really wanted to. I felt like “it is too good for me.” Then God asked me, “are you not worth it?” I realized only then that I still have some issues on my own personal worth. I felt like I don’t deserve something beautiful as that. So God said, “tuklasin mo ang kagandahan mo.” Only when you discover your true beauty that you would be able to love yourself more truthfully. So it hit me, yes, I don’t know how to love myself. “Paano ko nga ba pahalagahan ang sarili ko?” It is a question I do not know how to answer.
Grateful. But I am grateful because God had been so patient with me. My retreatants were such a blessing. Their experience of God’s love and of God himself have also allowed me to appreciate how God is working through me, and working in my life. Both retreatants had an experience of God being a Father. And yes, my experience of God during this retreat had been that of a loving father who only wants the best for his daughter. I am indeed my father’s daughter. I am grateful that during this retreat I was also able to enter the experience of being with my daddy. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to talk to him, and told him how much he is missed. That experience, that longing for my daddy had made me realize that the way I wanted to be loved is how my daddy had loved me: unconditional, without expectations, not out of obligation, not because of what I have. He loves me because of who I am: I am my father’s daughter. I am his. Like with God, I then understood that this is how God is loving me. He loves me not because of what I do for him, not because of how I pleased him but because I am his. I am the Father’s daughter and I am the Father’s joy.
Beholden. Having reclaimed my value, that is of being my father’s daughter and my father’s joy, I felt beholden by God. I found favor in God. It is not hard to believe that he only wants what’s best or who’s best for me. It is not hard to trust that he will keep his promise. And this is what I am afraid of, I know God will give it if I ask for it but I still have to settle my issues on my own self-worth. Patiently, lovingly God continues to affirm me that I am worth it. I am beautiful in his eyes and that I just have to see myself in his eyes, see myself in my daddy’s eyes. In the end, I finally gave in. I courageously ask for that which I know and I feel will make me happy. I know God was glad that I have finally taken that step.
His final words for me was: My love is like a raging storm (to prepare me for the “bumpy” road ahead). Yet his assurance were: Do not let go, “Wag kang bibitaw.” “Kumapit ka lang ng mahigpit.” Thereafter, I felt being carried on the wings of God.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)