Making A Difference
Midnight. I just finished reading my students’ reflections on the questions on what their innermost desire/s is/are right now and what struck them and how did they feel after they watched the video of the song of David Haas, “Long Before I Was Born.” It took me two hours to read them all. I never intended to read them all tonight. And yet as I read one reflection after another, I could not stop myself from reading the rest of the class’ reflections.
This week has been a memorable week for me because this is the week I finally realized my dream to teach…and teach theology that is. During my first day in teaching I felt mixed emotions as I did not know what to feel since I know I am looking forward to share my experience of God to these young people and yet I am insecure that maybe I may not be able to to do this. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I would be “moving”, “stirring” more than 100 hearts. How can this be possible?
But God has been so good to me and supportive of me because He sent me people to remind me that I cannot please every one, I do not have to change everyone, to make a difference on one person is already enough. And so I remember Mother Teresa when she said to focus first on one person at a time, that one person is worthy of all the efforts of the heaven. And this has consoled me. Then God continued to remind me that this is not my work, it is His, I am just a mere instrument of His love. He would be the one moving 100 or so hearts, stirring the hearts of these students. He is the one making a difference.
And so, while I was reading their reflection, I had no expectation as to how they will answer the questions or even how they were moved by the activity. So it was totally very revealing of God when I immediately recognized his works in the reflections of my students. He never fail to make his presence felt. Even with my students who have questions and issues with him, I still sensed that God would very much like to connect with them and reveal his true self to them. I felt that God was with me while I was reading their reflections. I felt like God was smiling all the time and had been meaning to tell me, “see how I can make my presence felt.” In that moment, I recognized that this vocation is truly rewarding and truly a blessing. My experience of encountering God in spiritual direction is similar to what I have experienced reading my students’ reflection, it was an encounter x 40! I was anxious on trying to make a difference on 100 students without realizing that these many students will also make a difference in my life. I could not but feel honored and beholden again by God for allowing me to experience this…In a week’s time, my life has been affected radically by 100 different lives, 100 different experiences, 100 different encounters with God. And in all these, God is magnified 100x!
God has not just been making difference in my students’ lives but also is continuously making a difference in my life.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Whatever will be, will be
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me: Que cera cera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, que cera cera. What will be, will be.
When I was just a little girl, barely in my teens, I dreamed of two things. I dreamed of becoming a teacher and of building a 24/7 school for the out-of-school youth. I call these childhood dreams, my original dreams. Dreams that until now have yet to come true.
While I was growing up, I realized that there was a world bigger than I thought. There are more options, more choices to choose from. And so, for the most part of my life, I tried to set aside my original dreams. From pursuing this path, I began to change my course and tread a different road. Decisions became complicated. They were not just about doing what I like or I desire most but I have to consider as well my family, the economy, my self-fulfillment. Slowly, I learned to accept that maybe this was the life I have to live. Maybe, my original dreams, my childhood dreams are just that…dreams of my childhood.
When my daddy died four years ago, I experienced a period of depression and emptiness. All these years, I have never thought that all my efforts, all the dreams I have tried to fulfill were centered on giving my family, my parents a good life. So when he passed away, I lost the meaning for all my efforts. I tried to seek answers to my one question, “what is there to live for?” I found myself just living the life like a “dead man walking.” I found no purpose, and I seemed to just be waiting for my own death. It went on for a while until I went on a retreat.
It has been two years now since I finished that retreat. As I ended it, I have began a new chapter in my life. I tried to retrace my steps and follow the road I was originally supposed to follow. This road, is the road to realize my original dreams.
How amazing that after 20 years, I am still able to realize these dreams. One out of these two, I will already fulfill as I will start teaching this coming June. The other one, I believe will take a while as I still need to come up with a project proposal which will describe in detail what this dream is all about. Yet, after all these years, the dream of building this school is still clear and vivid in my mind.
I dream to build a school that will be open all day, all night, 24/7, for young people (and maybe even old) who still want to pursue their education in spite of their life’s struggles. It is open 24/7 because I want to give opportunity to children who work in the day to study at night. I dream to make this school for free and be recognized by DECS. Through this, I hope to keep the hopes of these people for a better future alive. I remember that at that age, about 10, I was already so excited to start this project that I have even drafted the schedule of classes and the subjects that we will offer. I planned to invite volunteers to teach during their free time. Everything will be done out of charity, out of the desire to pay it forward. I know this dream will come true in time. In God’s time.
If I have childhood dreams, I also have new dreams. These are the dreams that I have desired while I was doing the retreat and even after I finished it. I dreamed to become a saint, to participate in the peace-keeping process in Mindanao or do mission in Mindanao, and to find a man who will share the same dreams as I have and can serve God side-by-side with me.
The dream of becoming a saint was very ambitious the first time it crossed my mind, and yet the invitation by God was very clear. He wants me to be a saint. Since then, I told some confidantes about this and left instructions that in case i die unexpectedly, they should get all my journals and have these submitted to the Vatican for application for my canonization 
Until now, I do not take this seriously, and yet deep in me, I sure would like to be a saint, a person set apart, not because of who she is but because of what God has done and is to her.
My dream to do mission in Mindanao started with just one blog. I read a blog about the peacekeeping process in Mindanao and how Muslims and Christians are working for unity. I felt I would like to be part of it. Believe me, the first time I thought of it, I felt a little scared because though the intention is noble, I know that it means being ready to lay down your life. And at that moment, I know I am not yet ready to die. Still, I prayed for courage that one day I can already tell God, “ok send me.”
Lastly, the dream to get married has been clear to me since I was young. I really wanted to get married. My prayer has always been to find the man to love and who will love me. That is why, I was taken by surprise when this year, I found this dream being purified. Yes, I still want to get married but now I hope to be married with someone who also shares the same dreams as I have. “I want to serve God with him by my side.” I pray that as a couple, we could both serve God together. And then it hit me, I guess I need this man to help me fulfill my dream to build the school, and yes maybe with this man by my side, I will not fear being sent to mission like that in Mindanao. Reading stories of couples in mission has further kindle this desire in my heart. Again, I know in time this will come true. Only in God’s time.
These are big dreams that have yet to come true. I also have small dreams, a wish list, which I am ok if they are fulfilled or not. These are the dreams which are already beyond my control because I know right now I cannot afford them or not a priority for the time being. These are the dreams which I have already surrendered to God. It’s up to him if he will still give it to me.
First, my dream to go on a pilgrimage with my mom, to go to the holy land, to Ephesus, to the Marian spots. For the meantime, I am all right watching EWTN’s “In the footsteps of Christ.” I also dream of driving again. I know this has been a material regret for me, to own a car. But actually it is not the car I am after but I realized it is the joy of driving. Whenever I reminisce the times I still could drive, I know that it was a moment I felt so free, so alone, yet so at peace. Driving for me is a way to just be. I dream to have my own laptop, it may be shallow for some, but for me, I really want to have my personal wordprocessor. I do not dream of owning a state-of-the-art notebook but something I can just use. I see the importance of having my own because it will be handy when I do my lesson plan, and of course being online, and not having to queue in line and wait after my mom is finished playing the game in the pc or after my brother or my sister-in-law, or my neice is finished using it. I know the cost is not that much but for now, I could not prioritize it. Again, these are just wish list. And yet I know, even these things, in time God will fulfill.
Que cera cera, whatever will be, will be. Emphasis on “whatever will be, will be.” Now it is clearer to me that as long as it is according to God’s master plan, it will be. It is all just a matter of time and of trust.
Current Affairs, Religion, Uncategorized | Comment (0)Tatlong Linggo
Tatlong linggo na ang nakakalipas magmula nang bitiwan mo ang iyong pangako. Tatlong linggo na ring walang patid ang pagluha dahil sa magkahalong tuwa at pag-aalinlangan sa regalong ibig isakatuparan.
Sa loob ng tatlong linggong ito tunay kang naging matapat at hindi ako hinayaang mawalan ng tiwala sa iyo. Ilang beses mo nga ba akong binigyan ng mumunting paalala lalu na sa oras na parang gusto ko nang bitawan ang pinakaaasam? Bagkus, pilit mo pa nga itong pinapahawakan sa akin ng mahigpit.
Kanina, muntik na. Muntik ko na talagang tuluyang pakawalan ang dasal na maingat na tangan-tangan.
Mahirap pala. Mahirap palang maghintay sa oras na itinakda mo. Ramdam ko na pagod na akong maghintay sa oras na iyon.
Ang nais ko sana’y ngayon na. Ngayon mo na ibigay. Ang pakiwari ko, di ko na kayang tumagal ng isa pang araw, isa pang linggo, isa pang taon para lamang hintayin ang oras kung kailan matutupad ang pangakong iyon.
Handa na ako na pakawalan ito kapalit ang sa tingin ko’y katahimikan at kapanatagan na naging mailap sa akin nitong mga nagdaang linggo.
Tatlong linggo na akong puyat, tatlong linggo na akong laging nag-iisip kung kailan, kung papaano mangyayari ang lahat.Nakakasawa na. Nakakapagod na. Nakakapanghinang talaga.
Ang sabi ko sa iyo, “Kung hindi ngayon, ‘wag na lang.” Mahirap man itong sambitin sa iyo, para sa akin ito lamang ang tanging alam ko para matapos na ang hirap ng kalooban na pinagdadaanan.“Kung hindi ngayon, hihingin ko na lang sa iyo Panginoon na baguhin mo na lamang ang aking pakiramdam. Ibalik ninyo na lang sa dati ang lahat.”
Handa na akong harapin ang panibagong bukas.Handa na akong tangapin na ako ang umayaw. Subalit, muli’t-muli, walang sawa ka, Panginoon. Walang pagod mo akong pinagbibigyan.
“Iyon lamang ba ang gusto mo?” ang tanging tugon mo. At sa isang iglap, napawi ang lungkot ko, napawi ang agam-agam at napalitan ito ng tuwa at mas pinaigting na pagtitiwala sa iyo.
Tunay nga, Panginoon…tunay ka ngang matapat sa iyong pangako. Tatlong linggo na nga ang nakakalipas pero hanggang ngayon, ito pa rin ang tangi mong paalala sa akin: “Kumapit ka lang at huwag na huwag kang bibitaw.”
Uncategorized | Comment (0)The State of “In-between”
When one speak of state of life, there are only three states that one can think of: Marriage Life, Religious Life, and Single Blessedness. The first one is for those who are invited to a life of holiness by building up families grounded on Christian and Kingdom values. The second state is for those who are courageous to submit to the three vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. Lastly, the third is for those who have resolved in themselves that they would be happier and more at peace being single and practicing the virtue of chastity for the glory of God. Yet I wonder, what state of life would most people belong in if they are in the state of “in-between”. In between being single and being married. They are not in a relationship, yet they are still hopeful that one day they will find the person with whom they would like to spend the rest of their lives. This is the state I find myself in. And I know most of my friends can resonate and relate that yes, this is the state they also find themselves in.
This is a “meantime” state. It is a state because it is where we find ourselves in right now. In our present state, current state, we know religious life is not for us, we know that single blessedness is not yet that attractive for us. In our present state, we know that we would be most fully alive if we have someone, if we can express love with somebody and feel love as well concretely from someone. And thinking about spending the rest of our lives with this person gives us a brief experience of joy and fulfillment.
This is the state most of us find ourselves in. In this state, what then would be the invitation for us? I believe the invitation is to surrender to God’s time and ways. The invitation is to trust that indeed God knows what our desires are and ultimately, he would want to make us happy and fulfill these desires in his time, through his ways. The state of “in-between” is a period of waiting. Waiting for God to fulfill his promise to us. But we do not just wait passively. In our present state we can already find meaning, purpose and happiness in what we are doing. We know that as we are now, we are already happy. Happy serving God, happy following his will, happy experiencing his love for us. This meantime state already demands commitment from us. Commitment to be instrument of God’s love, commitment to be source of hope to others, and commitment to keep the faith and trust in Him.
In this state, I am already at peace, I am already happy. There is already a decision to wait…wait for God. The waiting may take long or take me by surprise but the invitation is there:”Just trust me,” says God.
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