Whatever will be, will be

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me: Que cera cera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see, que cera cera. What will be, will be.

When I was just a little girl, barely in my teens, I dreamed of two things. I dreamed of becoming a teacher and of building a 24/7 school for the out-of-school youth. I call these childhood dreams, my original dreams.  Dreams that until now have yet to come true.

While I was growing up, I realized that there was a world bigger than I thought.  There are more options, more choices to choose from. And so, for the most part of my life, I tried to set aside my original dreams. From pursuing this path, I began to change my course and tread a different road.  Decisions became complicated.  They were not just about doing what I like or I desire most but I have to consider as well my family, the economy, my self-fulfillment. Slowly, I learned to accept that maybe this was the life I have to live.  Maybe, my original dreams, my childhood dreams are just that…dreams of my childhood.

When my daddy died four years ago, I experienced a period of depression and emptiness. All these years, I have never thought that all my efforts, all the dreams I have tried to fulfill were centered on giving my family, my parents a good life.  So when he passed away, I lost the meaning for all my efforts.  I tried to seek answers to my one question, “what is there to live for?” I found myself just living the life like a “dead man walking.” I found no purpose, and I seemed to just be waiting for my own death. It went on for a while until I went on a retreat.

It has been two years now since I finished that retreat. As I ended it, I have began a new chapter in my life. I tried to retrace my steps and follow the road I was originally supposed to follow. This road, is the road to realize my original dreams.

How amazing that after 20 years, I am still able to realize these dreams.  One out of these two, I will already fulfill as I will start teaching this coming June.  The other one, I believe will take a while as I still need to come up with a project proposal which will describe in detail what this dream is all about.  Yet, after all these years, the dream of building this school is still clear and vivid in my mind.

I dream to build a school that will be open all day, all night, 24/7, for young people (and maybe even old) who still want to pursue their education in spite of their life’s struggles.  It is open 24/7 because I want to give opportunity to children who work in the day to study at night. I dream to make this school for free and be recognized by DECS.  Through this, I hope to keep the hopes of these people for a better future alive.  I remember that at that age, about 10, I was already so excited to start this project that I have even drafted the schedule of classes and the subjects that we will offer.  I planned to invite volunteers to teach during their free time.  Everything will be done out of charity, out of the desire to pay it forward. I know this dream will come true in time. In God’s time.

If I have childhood dreams, I also have new dreams. These are the dreams that I have desired while I was doing the retreat and even after I finished it.  I dreamed to become a saint, to participate in the peace-keeping process in Mindanao or do mission in Mindanao, and to find a man who will share the same dreams as I have and can serve God side-by-side with me.

The dream of becoming a saint was very ambitious the first time it crossed my mind, and yet the invitation by God was very clear. He wants me to be a saint. Since then, I told some confidantes about this and left instructions that in case i die unexpectedly, they should get all my journals and have these submitted to the Vatican for application for my canonization Until now, I do not take this seriously, and yet deep in me, I sure would like to be a saint, a person set apart, not because of who she is but because of what God has done and is to her.

My dream to do mission in Mindanao started with just one blog. I read a blog about the peacekeeping process in Mindanao and how Muslims and Christians are working for unity.  I felt I would like to be part of it. Believe me, the first time I thought of it, I felt a little scared because though the intention is noble, I know that it means being ready to lay down your life.  And at that moment, I know I am not yet ready to die. Still, I prayed for courage that one day I can already tell God, “ok send me.”

Lastly, the dream to get married has been clear to me since I was young. I really wanted to get married. My prayer has always been to find the man to love and who will love me. That is why, I was taken by surprise when this year, I found this dream being purified. Yes, I still want to get married but now I hope to be married with someone who also shares the same dreams as I have. “I want to serve God with him by my side.” I pray that as a couple, we could both serve God together.  And then it hit me, I guess I need this man to help me fulfill my dream to build the school, and yes maybe with this man by my side, I will not fear being sent to mission like that in Mindanao. Reading stories of couples in mission has further kindle this desire in my heart. Again, I know in time this will come true.  Only in God’s time.

These are big dreams that have yet to come true. I also have small dreams, a wish list, which I am ok if they are fulfilled or not. These are the dreams which are already beyond my control because I know right now I cannot afford them or not a priority for the time being. These are the dreams which I have already surrendered to God. It’s up to him if he will still give it to me.

First, my dream to go on a pilgrimage with my mom, to go to the holy land, to Ephesus, to the Marian spots.  For the meantime, I am all right watching EWTN’s “In the footsteps of Christ.” I also dream of driving again. I know this has been a material regret for me, to own a car.  But actually it is not the car I am after but I realized it is the joy of driving.  Whenever I reminisce the times I still could drive, I know that it was a moment I felt so free, so alone, yet so at peace. Driving for me is a way to just be. I dream to have my own laptop, it may be shallow for some, but for me, I really want to have my personal wordprocessor. I do not dream of owning a state-of-the-art notebook but something I can just use. I see the importance of having my own because it will be handy when I do my lesson plan, and of course being online, and not having to queue in line and wait after my mom is finished playing the game in the pc or after my brother or my sister-in-law, or my neice is finished using it. I know the cost is not that much but for now, I could not prioritize it. Again, these are just wish list.  And yet I know, even these things, in time God will fulfill.

Que cera cera, whatever will be, will be. Emphasis on “whatever will be, will be.” Now it is clearer to me that as long as it is according to God’s master plan, it will be. It is all just a matter of time and of trust.

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